David Harnasch

Our infallible Siemens-branded supercomputers have determined your ability to blend in wiz ze Germans similar to those of Adolf Hitler. Congratulations! You achieved the 2nd highest score in the test, which can only mean you are “almost there”. Let’s see what makes Adolf and you so irresistible to German people.

You were born Austrian, and had a pretty normal childhood apart from having an over-zealous father. You grew up in a protected, small-town environment, and like all people coming from a boring, jerkwater place, upon turning 19 you suddenly became a totally edgy, quirky, and creative person. Not reluctant to show your artistic side in a pretentious and self-important way, you chose to grow a big, ironic mustache. Of course, you became an political activist (something German people revere), and were often overheard reciting conspiracy theories involving the USA and “the Zionists” to people you just met.

You even owned a huge “old-skool” vinyl collection which you kept in a couple of IKEA “Expedit” shelves. Never bowing to the evil mainstream, you chose to quit your career as an unrecognized but of course brilliant painter.

Even though you had almost perfected your “Mitte lifestyle” and were on your way to total acceptance by the cream of German people, something uncreative and unspontaneous in you took over and one thing led to another. It became so bad that you burned all your bridges to the hearts of German people and you were rightfully called responsible for a huge number of “scheene Altbau-Apartments” ending up as burning rubble. If it wasn’t for you, today every German person could be living in a wooden-floored, art-nouveau building with stucco ceilings.

So basically, while you admittedly have a sound conception of how to blend in wiz ze Germans, you are the type of person who wants too much too quickly and that is prone to lead to complications. In order to score higher next time, try to get a close buddy to tell you when go overboard in your effort to blend in wiz ze Germans. If you don’t stray off the norm too far while keeping up an edgy, spontaneous image, D-Land (and maybe more) will definitely be yours.

In case you are unhappy sharing the test result with Adolf Hitler, why not head back to Ich werde ein Berliner and try again?